Expressing Gratitude for Listening: Personal Thoughts
Katherine van Wormer, Ph.D.
Professor Emerita of Social Work,
University of Northern Iowa, Cedar Falls, Iowa, USA.
Co-author of The Maid Narratives.
Named as one of the Top 25 Outstanding Women Listeners in the World (2023)
Thank you for listening is a positive expression of gratitude promoted by the Global Listening Centre that parallels the very quality of listening itself. To listen, in many respects, offers a silent expression of thanks for another person’s message. To thank someone for listening is to thank them for their attention. It’s to thank them for their interest and for caring. When there is gratitude, it is often about receiving something tangible or visible—a wave to thank a driver for letting pedestrians cross the road; offering thanks for a gift given during the holidays; writing a note of thanks for help in shoveling snow. But who thanks anybody for listening? We often don’t, but the Global Listening Centre reminds us that we should. It’s a blessing for the one who speaks, and it’s a blessing for the one who listens.
You might listen to a friend, say, going on and on about an inconsequential matter that she will likely forget a week later. The next time you see her, she’s onto rattling on about another life crisis. She gives you no acknowledgement of your support. (But then, she might come through to you later, in some unexpected way when you most need support.)
Another thought that comes to mind is just the opposite expression of thanks to those who listen to us. Perhaps we’ve rambled on about some academic topic that arouses little interest, or we’ve been the source of a lengthy monologue on a topic where we assumed a common concern. We may later realize we have gone on far too long, but we do not express our gratitude to the listener. What we should have done is to thank our listening partner and offer an affirming comment or response—but we were too self-focused to do that.
So, the opportunity to thank someone for listening may come or not; gratitude may be experienced or expressed in an indirect way. One unique situation to consider takes place between a therapist, as the perfect, professional listener (perhaps trained in the Rogerian model based on empathy and positive regard) and the client who invariably has “issues.” Here, with a professional listener, we may think there is no need to thank this person. They are being paid to listen. And yet, a little reciprocal positive regard from client to therapist could be mutually satisfying. In such a professionally defined relationship, positive regard toward the therapist is typically expressed as showing up for appointments on time, practicing some of the skills or modes of thinking learned in treatment, and, if there are issues related to substance abuse, the therapist can discern that appreciative listening has occurred if the client stays sober. Positive feedback may be implicit.
To show the impact of such an unexpected expression of thanks, however subtle, I draw on an example of my work with a woman who I will call “Sally,” who was court-ordered into a two-year outpatient program, as were most of our clients. Her hostility toward me and the treatment process was evident from the start. Finally, thankfully, we got to the very last session, but I was anxious about how to positively conclude the time we had spent together. After we reviewed her treatment progress, to my utter surprise, she gave me, in her own way, a compliment. “You’re not street wise, but you’re okay,” she said. I could feel myself flushing and smiling, and we looked at each other and laughed. Her spontaneous positive comment immediately put our entire multi-year treatment experience in a new light. Recognizing our difference in background and opportunities, she was also acknowledging my sincerity in helping her move forward. At that moment, her colloquial expression of gratitude made the work I did seem worthwhile.
No, you don’t have to say “thanks for listening” in so many words. Expressing gratitude can take many forms. For example: listening to the other person the next time they need a sympathetic ear; a friend who offered a hospitable beverage at the coffee shop; or being the first to respond in a group when an individual seeks a personal favor, such as a ride home. Such honest, organic expressions of relational support implicitly provide a message of thankfulness.
“Thank you for listening” goes beyond a mere expression and really is a sentiment that can shape our interactions with others. The benefits of this acknowledgment of the listener are many. It especially has a role to play in conflict resolution. Imagine this situation: a partner or housemate feels the need to confront the other about some minor issue of annoyance and requests some change in behavior, such as help with the cleaning or cooking. The person politely shares their concern and discloses their honest feelings about the issue, the parties reach an agreement, and the problem is solved. But emotions may have been aroused and the person who was confronted may have latent feelings of resentment. Here is when thanking the person for listening and for addressing the matter is especially important. The person who brought up the issue can heartily thank the other for listening and addressing the matter. Such personal affirmation with the embedded, “thanks-for-being-in-my-life” message goes a long way.
When you are overwhelmed and upset about a crisis in your life, how wonderful it is to share your story and your feelings with a sympathetic listener, even a stranger on a bus or train (portrayed wonderfully in the classic film The Trip to Bountiful in which the older woman shares her life story with a younger passenger on a Greyhound bus).
I close with a personal example related to the twin needs of being listened to and of later expressing gratitude. In a state of shock after my son told me his wife had kicked him out of the house and they were separating, I walked to the nearby coffee shop in an effort to calm down. I hoped not to see anyone I knew. Yet, as luck would have it, I immediately ran into two women from my Quaker meeting. They were engrossed in conversation and seated outside the coffee shop, but it was too late to avoid them. “How are you?” they both chirped in greeting. There was no way I could say “fine” when I was in such despair. Before I realized what was happening, I stood there pouring it all out—the beautiful recent wedding, the new home, the cute stepchildren, the lovely wife. The women listened sympathetically, and feeling so much better, I rushed on to get my coffee. Later, at Friends Meeting, I had an opportunity to thank one of the women for listening and I let her know that all was well with my son and his wife. When I eventually see the other woman, I will make a point of thanking her too—thanking her for listening.
